


across a million lifetimes

by vividxpages



Series: if all our life is but a dream [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Anxiety, Based on a Poem, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Growing Up Together, Guardian Angel, Happy Ending, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Pining, Protective Connor, Soulmates, Time Travel, Unrequited Love, but not really, smut if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-14 15:42:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29048595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vividxpages/pseuds/vividxpages
Summary: Connor Murphy lived many lives.He remembers all of them vividly, but in the end he would always choose the ones in which Evan falls in love with him.Based on my favorite poem "25 lives" by Tongari.(now as a full story in "if all our life is but a dream")
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Series: if all our life is but a dream [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2199309
Comments: 7
Kudos: 47





	across a million lifetimes

**Author's Note:**

> a small love letter to all the people who make the world a better place with their stories on this platform.  
> you rock.  
> and also my first story on here. bear with me.

Connor Murphy lived a million lives.

When he thinks about it, he always likes to imagine a notebook that keeps on writing itself, filling old and rusty pages, expanding further and further, until Connor is sure he reached the last page, the epilogue of it all. The end never comes. Instead, the book gets bigger.

There are lives in which Evan isn`t in love with him.

While Connor only sees and thinks about sandy blond hair and sun-kissed skin, Evan falls in love with pretty girls or boys and is happy. Sometimes, Connor gets to be his friend. He`s there when Evan tells him about his first crush on a sweet girl during middle school. Another time, he passes him in the hallway of their high school and his eyes catch the heart eyes with which Evan admires a cute boy, intertwining fingers with him and leaving for a class.

He is also there when Evan goes trough his first breakup, tucking him into his side all weekend and rubbing his back until he is calm again and manages to fall asleep on his shoulder And even though, it kills him every single time, Connor makes sure to stay close to him. He would always be a friend to Evan, if he wants him to, even when there is not a single chance that he will ever get closer than a friendly hug.

And he saw many lives where he didn`t get close.

There is one where Connor is at his sister`s wedding and watches her dance with a very lovestruck Evan, who silently smiles into distance as they sway around the ballroom the Murphy`s rented for them. He sits there, on the coolest table, together with their friends Alana and Jared and has no choice but to be happy for both of them. Evan deserves happiness. So does his sister, after everything he put her trough in some lives where Connor wasn’t kind to her. After that, he applauds with a big smile like everyone else, whistles teasingly when the wedding games begin and Evan`s cheeks heat up as a relative tells a funny story back when Evan was just a little boy.

In another life, Connor is Evan`s best man and tells these stories. He soldiers through, his voice barely above a shaking whisper at the end of his speech, and he avoids the newly wed couple all evening. He prefers getting drunk with a loud Jared Kleinman at the bar. Evan doesn’t really notice, but in some lives, Connor imagines that Evan gazes back at him, tries to catch a glimpse of him from across the room. After all, they had many occasions.

It`s always a party, it seems, or maybe it`s just some random pattern Connor noticed over the years.

There`s their prom, many times. In all of them, Alana is the head of the group of students who organized the whole thing, and Connor couldn’t be prouder in each of them. There is one particular where they were all just friends. No one had complained about not having a date for it and the whole cheesy promposal phase kind of flashed by and suddenly they all met up as singles in the middle of the dance floor.

And god, they danced all night. In many lives, a song from the 80s comes on and Jared just loses his damn mind, swirling around a laughing Alana Beck, leaving the others breathless from laughing too hard over the speakers of their school gym.

In some lives, Connor is bold enough to cock an eyebrow at Evan and takes his hands and twirls him around as well. These are his favorites, when he genuinely makes Evan laugh. They dance with each other and tell stupid jokes, until it`s time to go home and they squeeze together to fit in on the backseat of Jared`s car. They share some secret glances, speaking in a language only Connor and Evan understand and Connor thinks that this is what all of this is about. Being with Evan, spending a life with him, whether they only had these small moments or the whole thing.

The whole thing. Connor internally cheers every time he gets to have a whole thing with Evan.

Because despite the bad luck that gingerly follows Connor around, sometimes Evan also falls in love with him.

In rare cases, it starts right at the beginning, a hesitating handshake at the first day of second grade after the teacher chose to pair them up together. Through friendship and shared secret under fuzzy blankets and glow stars on the ceiling, they fall in love with one another, the way it was always meant to happen. It`s shy giggles and small notes passing between them in class, and it`s turbulent teenage years full of shifting moods and tears and fights they both regret right after they happen.

They`re together when it gets really bad, summer holidays and too hot air making them dizzy, and Connor gets the phone call one afternoon that Evan fell out of a tree. He doesn’t believe him one second and he blames himself all the way, sitting beside a shaking Evan in the hospital room, because he didn’t pay enough attention this time. In other realities, Connor is the one who finds Evan, knowing him too damn well and holding him tight against his chest until the ambulance arrives. Sometimes, they make it to their thirties, living together and sharing a home, accompanied by many family visits or a silver ring in his back pocket, waiting to fit perfectly on Evan`s finger.

Other times, it happens fast, so fast it almost gives Connor whiplash, because he is never prepared for the moment Evan realizes. Realizes what? That in every single life, it is Connor`s purpose to be by Evan`s side? That they are soulmates and pawns in a game controlled by something powerful. Probably not, but Connor doesn’t ask either. He can`t ruin these moments, he doesn’t know how long he can stay, so he makes the most out of it.

And it works. His memory is fuzzy, whenever it comes to being that close to Evan, but the feeling of Evan`s lips on his, will always remain. Like a tattoo on his very soul, something that stays with him forever. It gives him a little comfort, knowing that if he only had Evan in one life, the hundreds of other ones where Evan screams at him or leaves too early or never gets the chance to get to know Connor, suddenly are worth it. Every single second of it. Worth it, because Connor will never forget the kisses they shared, the inexperienced and passionate ones, or the morning after`s where they wake up beside each other in bed and he closes the distance between them once more. He wants to remember these times forever, when he laid on their bed and admired Evan`s entire being and was admired in return. Desired.

The thoughts could make Connor burst into flames on the spot. It`s the answer to all of his questions, the cure to the thing that lives inside of him and sometimes threatens to take over. In a universe full of spikes and pain, Evan is the soft pillow that catches Connor again and again. And Connor catches Evan as well, when he is allowed to.

Connor is outraged about the many possibilities of meeting his soulmate for the first time and then not ending up with him. It`s seems to be utterly unfair, being so close to him and then just going on without him.

He meets Evan in a flower shop, desperately looking around for a last-minute gift for his mother who just graduated med school.

He meets him passing the street, just hurrying his way past him in a fancy suit and on the phone, brushing his shoulder and immediately stuttering out a small Sorry. Connor could feel sparks where they touched.

He meets him when Connor finally opens up a little gallery in the center of their hometown, or hosts a gathering for interested people in his new bookshop. His creativity is something he could never tame in all of his lives.

He meets him when Evan`s small dog scents the black cat in Connor`s lap at the local vet and lazily taps over to rub his curly fur against his skinny jeans.

There are lives in which Connor and Evan don`t know each other at all, maybe the name but that`s about it. It`s torture and Connor always wishes to quickly skip this one.

There is one time where Connor finds a printed letter in a dark computer lab and walks up to Evan. He doesn’t really like to think of it. His memory always gets blurry here anyways…

The hard ones never get easier and Connor is sure he will never get used to them.

There is one where Connor goes to Evan`s funeral on a sunny day and stands in the back without making a sound. He chokes on his sobs, because no one knows him here. Not in this life.

There is also one where Connor stands in the front row beside his parents and Heidi, and Zoe has to keep him steady, has to physically hold him up, because he is so close to collapsing on the ground when they bring the coffin in and someone begins to speak in Hebrew.

And the tragedy is: He tries, every fucking time. He tries to stop it before it can form, to spot differences in Evan`s behavior, to make sure Evan is okay and not hurting. He is like a hawk, carefully hovering over Evan in case something happens, even though in some lives, exactly that irritates Evan and breaks a fight loose. Both of them are always quick to apologize, and sometimes it works. Other times, he finds himself at places of death and misery. He hates these. He prefers the ones in which they never meet and Evan is alive and happy elsewhere. They hurt a lot less, even though Connor only gets to watch from afar. Compared to nightmares like funerals or too quiet hospitals, it`s more than he could ever wish for.

But even after he lost count of all the lives he lived so far; Connor never figures out if there are also realities in which he is the one that doesn’t make it to the end. If there are any, Connor definitely doesn’t remember them. He wonders, mostly late at night when it`s quiet enough to think of the bigger picture of it all, if Evan also lived a million lives with him. Because Connor can`t really imagine that Evan`s life revolves around him. In all the lives, it`s his existence that always seems to spin around Evan`s, like small planets attached to thin strings hanging from Evan`s ceiling when they were just kids and laid on the ground together, basking in the afternoon sun that broke through the windows. When Connor leaves the house, shouldering his little backpack and gazing back up to the first floor where Evan has his room, he is always waving trough a window to him. A small goodbye, a little promise for the next time.

After all these times, Connor still fears the moment where he has to say goodbye.

He never knows when to expect them, but he got pretty good at guessing when the time has come. When he realizes, there are barely seconds left for him to say his last words. Sometimes, Connor sticks around until he`s nearly forty, watching Evan and his surroundings growing up and establishing families or successful businesses with future. He remembers voting for Evan to get into the town government, because Evan wanted to create a green and environment friendly city with more parks and pretty places. Connor never gets tired of Evan being passionate about trees.

Other times, Connor is twenty or not even in sophomore year when he is ripped out of this life and catapulted into the next. The alternation either happens fluently, like going to bed and waking up in another life, or completely violent, including Connor falling and falling into the abyss until he catches his breath and is suddenly at home again. His journeys always start at home, a steady constant Connor can rely on.

When he feels the change happening, he is quick to say farewell. A last smile at Evan at their favorite spot Ellison State Park or a quick kiss on is mother`s cheek when he can feel his stomach ache and turn. He never grows old and grey in all the lives. Connor likes to imagine that this is saved up for a future he gets to spend with Evan until the very end, until they die peacefully beside each other, with bald heads or wrinkled skin. The thought makes Connor smile. Like he can`t wait to end up it that reality. He can`t wait to be with Evan once again.

And he doesn’t have to.

Now, the apartment is quiet, filled with only background noise from the too bright TV and some cars passing their window from time to time. A blink and the headlights gone, but these moments are too fragile and new to Connor that he fears they could be gone forever if he closes his eyes for one second.

He`s sprawled out on the couch, long limbs and wrapped up in a cozy hoodie, and on top of him, the most beautiful weight Connor could ever imagine, lays Evan. His head rests on Connor`s shoulder that feels numb and tickles a little bit, but Connor doesn’t really care. He won`t disturb the peace Evan has found.

His hands, in other lives bruised and bloody or randomly decorated by splashes of watercolor, gently caress Evan`s back, feel their way along his delicate spine under the soft pajama he`s wearing. God, he is so warm, Connor wants to crawl inside of him and never leave. Which is…just such a weird thought that he immediately scratches it und has to hide a grin in Evan`s neck.

The thing is, he wasn`t this happy in a long time. Times. Whatever.

He could think about all the times where fate wasn’t kind but gruel to them, where they never met or barely had any interaction and they remained strangers forever. Connor`s heart could break from all the lives he had to endure without Evan. But right now, all that matters is that they are past lives.

It`s history. Their history.

And even though Connor doesn’t know if Evan remembers them as well and will ever talk with him about them, he is glad he ended up here this time.

**Author's Note:**

> I would love to read your opinions and thoughts on this!  
> Would you be interested in a version of this from Evan`s perspective? (because I kind of have plans with this)


End file.
